Part One:
How Did I Get Here…
words and photos by Robert Kingsland
I would ask myself that question a million times in the seven years before my friend took this photo of me in Barbados, February 2018. I was 238 lbs in this photo.
I’ve decided to share a very personal journey.
I love food, the restaurant business. I love the front of house, service, hospitality, numbers and I have a passion for ingredients, cooking and entertaining. I love life.
I thought I knew food and ingredients but during the last 12 years, I’ve learned that healthy, pure ingredients can not only be delicious and good for you they can also be poison to your body.
I’m writing this from the heart and in two sections starting with the background of my weight and health journey. The Second part will deal with the road back to health.
I may write some words people may take offense to. Please don’t. I write and speak directly about my personal journey of health to obesity back to health. I don’t use any word to offend as this is my truth told with no filter as my struggles are struggles I have endured and found natural solutions to that many people experience and struggle with each day. My hope is something I’ve learned will help another person.
When I went to Barbardos in 2018, I was at a crossroads and I was beginning to accept that my weight gain was due to my age, my stress, the loss of my brother. On the one hand, this was the new season in my life and I had to learn to live with my weight and the ailments that came with those pounds. I looked like many people my age: heavy and unhealthy.
On the other hand I was angry at myself for not working harder to find ways to lose weight and find a road back to what I had always been: thin and healthy. I thought I was a failure. How did I get here, I would ask myself constantly.
I took photos on this vacation, even selfies. It was the first time in many years I asked to be photographed. I avoided photos at all costs after I ballooned to obesity. I would never join corporate group photos, family photos or even solo ones. I could barely look in a mirror.
By 2018, I realized I had to come to terms with my new reality. I had to either accept it and do my best to live as healthy a life as I could manage, listen to my doctor and start taking medications for my heart and my bowels or I had to work harder to lose more weight.
My highest weight was reached in 2011/12 at 278 lbs. Four years earlier in 2007, I was 170 lbs. I had been that weight for 10 years.
My weight gain was gradual at first and then it was unstoppable. Not just weight but bloat and discomfort in my stomach, constant heart burn and acid reflux.
I did every diet. I bought gym equipment to work out at home. I ate a pack of Rolaids a day and drank Pepto Bismol. Some diets worked. Most did not. But through sheer will I was able to lose 40 pounds over six years and maintain it.
Even though I looked better than I had in a long time in Barbados, the pain and discomfort of my every day life was building and becoming debilitating.
My ankles would swell and my feet would be numb. My knees were in constant pain. My stomach was constantly churning. It became harder and harder to walk, work out and to physically work 10 hour days. My weight gain wasn’t isolated to my torso. My calfs were growing. I had developed breasts. My hands were swollen and aching. My face was swelling.
During this vacation, my friend was very patient with me. Walking slowly. Taking cabs when I couldn’t walk or breathe. But I was determined to have a good time. I snorkeled. I laughed. I enjoyed seeing people and going to restaurants.
I was determined to not be as I was becoming at home: a hermit. I wanted to be out but I didn’t enjoy seeing people anymore this fat. I could no longer go dancing. It terrified me to go out to dinner for fear I’d have an asthma attack or worse yet, an inability to walk at the same pace with other people.
While my body was breaking down I was in a constant state of anxiety and shame for becoming so fat while the fighter in me would Google for new diets and health supplements. I wasn’t going to give up getting back to thin.
I started taking tumeric and a joint supplement called Bi-Flex. These two items plus daily doses of Advil or Tylenol and a roll of Tums helped me to get through the day.
I also took diaretics to decrease the bloat and turned to drinking water to flush my system and added Slim Fast to my coffee. I drank Metamucil and added grain fibres to my diet including bran and raisins. I would drink lemon water and add a teaspoon of apple cider vinegar daily.
I tried to not slide into depression. I stayed as active as I could around my home, working on my gardens, going to the beach. Instead of going to restaurants, I had dinner parties with friends. I did things where I could manage my pain and the surroundings.
To people around me, I was living a good life, only heavier. I was fat all over and hid it with coats, suits, perfectly crisp shirts. Only my mother would say the truth, I was looking unhealthy and bloated.
I’d constantly go shopping to buy bigger size clothes that made me look thin replacing shirts, shoes. I would dress sharp to hide the weight and give myself confidence.
This is how I lived from 2010 to 2018 in a constant state of anxiety, fat, pain, asthma attacks, intense heartburn, constipation followed by diarhea, gout attacks and joint inflammation that rendered me on days crippled and unable to get out of bed or go to work.
I would spend nights completely depressed followed by days of fight. I would push forward in pain and discomfort, putting on the healthy Robert show.
I was in good shape my whole life, a runner in high school and ate sensibly. In 2007, I was 170 lbs. I was shuttering a restaurant I owned after two years of struggles and I scrambled to get back into the NYC restaurant scene.
I worked hard my entire career and I was always healthy, self confident and outgoing. I danced at least 2x per month my entire life. I loved going to the theatre and dinner. I jogged regularly. I loved the beach. I loved working. I rarely sat at home.
When my business closed, I landed an amazing opportunity but I was broke, indebted to my investor, the IRS and New York State. To say I was under pressure is an understatement. I was also hitting middle age.
I moved up quickly in my new company going from an AGM to regional in three years. My workload was intense but I loved everything about my company and the people who worked there and we believed in healthy ingredients. I was exercising but I started gaining weight. I also started to experience more stomach issues than I’d ever experienced before.
My company used beautiful ingredients for Mexican cuisine. Until I joined this company, I never truly ate Mexican food, I knew Tex-Mex and I loved the authentic Mexican cuisine as it had many parallels to Korean food. I was eating ingredients I’d never eaten or drank on a regular basis: Avocado, red beans, agave syrup, black beans, pomegranate, Dried Chiles. Ingredients which were healthy. It excited me to be exposed to a new culture and ingredients.
In 2010 I was moved into a larger role with more training duties and oversight of more restaurants. Before the promotion I’d gone from 170lbs in 2007 to 210 lbs by 2010. Within months after the promotion, my weight would begin to balloon. I became bloated in my stomach. I was swelling in my ankles and my chin started its puff fish blow out. I could no longer button my top shirt for a tie. I thought the utter stress of finances was the cause of this. It was anxiety driven. It was my age.
At the same time, I felt tremendous pressure to look good and handle the work load but nothing in my closet fit. I went from a size 42 suit in 2007 to size 44 in 2010 to a 46 in 2011 and by 2012 size 48 when I hit 278 pounds.
My waist went from 32 to 38. My feet would swell, so I had to move up in shoe size and nothing with a pointed toe.
I was embarrassed to go to the gym. I could no longer jog or walk. I Had no idea how I could be so overweight. But I kept pushing and lost about 10 lbs and settled in at a cool 268 at the end of 2012.
I eliminated fast food, I would eat half of what was in front of me and I started eating fruits. I cut out salt. I was determined to get thin. My company also did a health challenge with management and we received Fit-Bits. The Goal to lose 20 pounds in 60 days. I achieved the goal and carried 248 pounds in 2013 and maintained it and gradually lost 10 pounds more over 3 years, aftee I decided to move out of the City and to a beach town I’ve loved, Asbury-Park_NJ. I felt it would help me get back to health and deal with my brother’s death.
I rented at first and the move was the best thing I’d done for my mind. The air was fresh. I had less asthma attacks and the beach life helped me get down below 240 pounds.
I enjoyed the commute and my lower weight but I struggled managing my bowels, my joint pain and heartburn which would stop me breathless even with my healthier diet.
Sometimes after an hour in my car, I’d reach the restaurant and struggle to get out of the car. If someone I knew was near by, I’d pretend to be on the phone so they wouldn’t see me struggle to stand straight.
My back would lock on me when bending over to do normal things like clean a cat litter box or bend to pick up a pen. I carried a folding chair to work in my flower beds and weed. I found refuge in the handicap stalls at work to catch my breath and burp out gas.
Many mornings it would take me more than 30 minutes to get upright and out of bed. I began to get gout flareups on a regular basis. Severe flareups where I couldn’t walk.
I researched Gout and removed foods I loved from my life: asparagus, spinach, shrimp, Cauliflower and I drank cherry juice on a daily basis. I was also eating fruits and yogurt and cottage cheese.
While I started having better days where my bloat and discomfort would recede, it would be followed by severe days where I could barely get through a day. It made no sense.
By 2016 I settled into 238 pounds and maintained it. While I was thinner, my body continued breaking down. I envisioned my new life: overweight, on heart meds, bowel meds, taking pills for my joints, becoming another unhealthy person managing pain and discomfort. I loved the beach and would look around and see people as heavy or heavier than I. I was them. I was beginning to think I needed to manage my new body and weight. If others can, then I could.
But I would Scream; how did I get here and how do I find a way out? I didn’t want to be fat.
By Barbados 2018, I finally looked at myself. I took pictures of myself and forced myself to look at what I’d become. To look at me. I was at a cross roads; accept my new state of being or find a road out. I knew I needed to shake the tree.
A month after this photo was taken, I was bought out from my position at work. The tree was shaken. The road was crossed. I was devastated but at the same time, I knew change was needed in my life.
Little did I know this was a Blessing in Disguise.
Part 2: My Road
The Road Back
Let not, Youth be Wasted on the Young
#nevergiveup #fodmap #celeryjuice #onions #glutenfree #gout #watermelon #jointpain #bloat